The True* History of Liverpool

The true history of Liverpool is little known. Contrary to what evolution tells us, Liverpool actually appeared fully-formed out of nowhere in 1890 complete with port and sailing ships; the intended river was the Thames but map reading was always a weakness...the pollution from Widnes soon gave rise to the well known nasal Scouse accent.

The Liver Buildings

Few people realise that The Liver Buildings were built upside down. They were intended to be two giant shafts - a vain attempt to reach the centre of the earth to find cheap power and put a rosy glow on your cheeks...However the builders read the plans the wrong way up and the rest is history or
rather a nest for two cormorants with fat legs.

The Mersey Tunnels are Liverpool's provision for global warming - if we are flooded so is Birkenhead.

Exchange Flags

Behind the Town Hall is a famed area for flag exchanging. Unfortunately the founders misread the handout, and instead of the light fabric variety, arrived with the heavy stone variety and people from around the world began turning up hoping to swap their heavy stone flags. However there are some Japanese cheats who arrive with small squares of bamboo, but these are quickly spotted and rejected.

The Beatles

The reason the world knows Liverpool might never have been. Cockroach, as they were first named, was corrupted by a young journalist, Abbi Roade - fortunately for us all she had trouble spelling 'Cockroaches' (her effort had an 'e' in the middle: 'cockeroaches') - anyway unsure, she thought of another insect 'beetles' - and fortunately again she could not spell that - thus 'The Beatles' were formed.

Herbert The Hairdresser

Herbert, a flamboyant hairdresser, star of fly-on-the-wall documentaries and wearer of silver suits, has invested heavily in New Liverpool. His is the gold building with square gold window rooms jutting out at odd angles called Bling Bling Bling. The truth is that Herbert wanted to tone down his image and actually designed the rather austere Friends Meeting House next door. The Friends then went for the gold and the windows as they wanted to re-brand themselves for the Third Millenium.The deeds of the two buildings were mixed up. Herbert was stuck with Bling Bling Bling. And the Friends have missed their launch. Devastated, they are now considering a change of name to The Acquaintances.

The Metropolitan Cathedral

The Metropolitan Cathedral, popularly known as Paddy's Wigwam, has a very obscure origin. A go-ahead mayor decided that Liverpool should have its own 'moon-shot'. The landing vehicle was built first, but of course the scale was wrong - what size of rocket would you need to fire that into space?! And concrete was not the best material to choose.

The Anglican Cathedral

Anglicans are good for you - they make sure we all experience Hell- They have a good go at creating it on Earth, work ethic, conscience,God is watching etc.

Anyway a past Bishop, quite a gay fellow, but with catholic tastes,
just said 'I want something BROWN'. The building work started, and carried on ... and carried on... higher and higher, bigger and bigger ... but always brown

The Mersey Ferries and Irish History

The link between Ireland and Liverpool can be traced back to an
ill-conceived grandiose plan.  The problem was
'how to cross the river'.
The solution proposed was to fill the entire River Mersey, from
Crosby to Runcorn! What to fill it with, was the second problem.

The answer was Ireland, or rather the middle bit of Ireland, creating a huge lake. Lough Neagh was the trial. As could be expected the Irish people were not impressed with the scheme. Thousands travelled to Liverpool to protest. They protested under two banners

         NO to Lough for Land!
and
         How do you grow potatoes under water?

The protestors won the day and project was abandoned. The lasting effects of this were that many Irish men and women never went home. They stayed and settled in Liverpool, thus the large Irish community.

The second, much later, was the scientific study of HYDROPONICS. Yes, you can grow potatoes under water!.
Anyway it was too late for the scheme.

The problem of 'how to cross the River' still remained.

It was finally solved without controversy by a 'lateral thinker'
Eddie de Beano. He observed ships were sailing from Liverpool
to all parts of the World. Why couldn't one or two sail to Birkenhead? The Mersey Ferries were formed!

And further afield:

New York, Manhattan

Originally purchased from the native Indians for goods and trinkets.. whatever... it was too much!

Ever since then the citizens have been trying to give it back and have their trinkets returned.

The American Indians however, will have none of this.
They say the land has been ruined, there's no buffalo left
and it stinks of apples!

*for a given value of 'true'